How
I Work With Couples
I help couples bring more awareness to relationship and
marriage. With increased awareness you can more easily make
decisions that contribute to relaxation, enjoyment, and
trust in your relationship. The following are developmental
skills I return to over and over again with couples. While
there are many variables that can disrupt harmony in a
relationship, returning to these skills will build your
confidence and give you direction.
Think of your relationship as a three legged stool. The
seat is your
Intention for the relationship. It's
important for everyone in counseling, both couples and
individuals alike, to give repeated thought to her or his
intentions for self and relationship. Having clear
intention can serve you and the relationship well in rough
times. Intention is like a compass; it reminds you of the
direction you want to travel. This 'seat' of intention is
supported by the following three legs.
Differentiation.
Differentiation is the ability to stay with yourself ('hold
onto yourself') within the shifting tensions of your
relationship. Differentiation means cultivating the ability
to soothe your own painful feelings when you want your
partner to do that for you. Differentiation is a skill you
can learn to ease your own suffering when the friction of
relationship feels painful. It is also the place from where
you can express connection at moments when you'd rather
not.
Connection.
Connection is an intentional demonstration of friendly
and/or loving contact with your partner. Connection takes
many forms and may be unique from couple to couple.
Connection is how we demonstrate care, intimacy, and desire
for closeness.
Repair.
Repair is the ability to "reach across the divide" of
injured, hurt, and fearful feelings to connect with your
partner; sometimes when you might not feel like it. In this
sense, repair is both (1) the ability to express connection
during painful interactions (through differentiation) and
(2) connecting with your parter through apology and/or
taking ownership for your part in painful interactions. It
is never too late to initiate repair.
For more information on couples and marriage counseling
please call me with any questions at 503-252-3739.
