Why
We Argue
Arguing is one way people often
protect themselves from their fears and anxieties in
relationship. Research into successful marriages has found,
however, that frequent arguing does not predict divorce.
Some couples argue, others don't. It has also been observed
that approximately 69% of disagreements in successful
marriages never get resolved. What does this tell us?
Successful couples, even when they do argue or disagree,
find ways to maintain connection with each other. Doing so,
of course, is often easier said than done. One thing can
help: Understanding that all anger, defensiveness,
resentment, etc., is fueled by a "fear-feeling".
Awareness of how angry behaviors protect our vulnerable
hearts from painful feelings helps us relate differently
with ourselves and with our partner. We can learn how to
reestablish connection as arguments arise or
through repair.
Arguing is a way of coping with fear. However, arguing can
obscure awareness of one's vulnerable feelings. In the long
run, appreciating and accepting your own fearful feelings
teaches how to compassionately soothe your own hurt and
pain. And, clarifying one's own pain can help decrease
arguing when we share our authentic fears with our partner.
For more information on couples and marriage counseling
please call me with any questions at 503-252-3739.
